A Letter to Myself

                  

                        A LETTER TO MYSELF

Dear Erinola, 

                    It's not lunacy that at 9:02 pm you had the overpowering urge to write this letter, it may seem unusual and attract quite a few questioning stares and squints from people assuming the pandemic has knocked you to the edge of disarray. It is not.  I can feel the flutter of your heart as your muscles squeeze in anxiety, you're somewhat lost, a conflicted lady with a pen and paper creating her space and trying to overcome all odds. Very refreshing that you're becoming consciously aware that the very first barrier you have to overcome to burgeon into what you solely desire and become the main character of your fantasies is to overcome SELF DOUBT. Might seem a bit strange, you never once in your conscious thought doubted yourself, you just found a rather 'remarkable' way to compose certain vocabularies used to express reasons for unproductiveness and the lack of zeal and wavering appeal. You fell head first into realizing your subconsciousness had been channeling waves of doubt, suppressing confidence and self discipline.

                  What exactly has your subconsciousness been exposed to? What is it you do that overwhelms your conscious effort? What is the notion that stagnates you, that pain that dictates your next step to take either to quiver in fear or withdraw. Your subconsciousness repeatedly reminding you of how sad and unfair life is and how you should wear a glum face to the party of forlornly folks. You sway your hips to Billie Ellish baritone, bobbing your head in approval as you become engulfed in a storm of sadness.

                   And oh you know God has blessed you, but you're so blinded by the illuminated fantasies created by people. Suddenly you're punched in the gut, the mist begins to clear and the ego is brought into light. You ask yourself who you are, you smile doing so. You are grateful, you feel loved, you feel unstoppable and how?

                   You realised that the society had created a strained metrics of success that is drawn to our subconscious. Our eyes are quick to pick, learn, conclude and our subconsciousness absorb and then factors 'truth'. The reluctance to put your work out there because it's not to 'standard', Then you ask what defines standard? Which Standard weigh mines? Why am I so restrictive and easily dismissive of ideas I have? You grew a subtle addiction of validation from certain people, seeking approval of favoured parties in your mind.

Now you're aware why you're unproductive, why you crave something to fill that void. When ego speaks you do the entire opposite and when fear knocks you welcome it with a pulled trigger at its head. Fear is now your alarm clock to do that which seems 'threatening'.

      Isn't growth beautiful? A continuous thorough study of yourself and how much you are worth. Damn girl your exhaling confidence and inhaling gratitude. You feel untouched except by your mum and her whiplash techniques.

Note:  Negative words limits your actions, if you say you can't you wouldn't so just do it (insert a Nike logo)

Yours Lovingly

Erinola.